Top Fives, or… No, Just Top Fives

Top 5 Reasons I Suck

  1. Of late, I have had the mood swings of a pregnant adolescent teenager on hormone replacement therapy.
  2. While I’m not putting on weight, my eating habits have slowly trended back to ‘The Fat Kid’ eating habits. Example: almost everyday, I go into the free ice-cream bunker at work and pull out a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich, remove the ice cream, and just eat the cookies.
  3. I just spilled pineapple salsa on my jeans.
  4. I use Movie Quote of the Week emails as blog posts.
  5. I use ‘Top Five’ lists as blog posts.

Top 5 Reasons I’m Okay as a Human But I’m No Oprah Winfrey

  1. I drive a Prius… correction: I let my wife drive a Prius on days when she drives the carpool, and I usually take public transportation.
  2. I have somewhat-interesting yet not world-changing hobbies, like Improv and volunteering at 826 Valencia.
  3. Sometimes, but not always, I actually manage to do the right thing.
  4. I empathize and/or sympathize with the best of ‘em, but sometimes to a fault. Example: if I think I’m about to say something that will hurt your feelings but would ultimately make you a better human, I’m most likely not going to say it because I don’t like having my own feelings hurt… and I’m a p**sy.
  5. On the all-telling scale of ‘Take-a-penny Leave-a-penny’, I ‘Leave-a-penny’ more than I ‘Take-a-penny’.

Top 5 Reasons I’m Awesome

  1. God loves me enough to give me the chance to have an awesome wife, and I didn’t blow it.
  2. I instantly calculate tips to the nearest $0.50. Every time.
  3. Growing up in rural Pennsylvania did not manage to close my mind, and instead I used it as a catalyst to get the eff out of Dodge and try to see the world.
  4. [ablated due to sexual content]
  5. I use words like ‘ablated’ in faux-blog posts that are simply three separate lists of five things you may or may not have known about me but probably didn’t care about but at least I made you laugh.

Top 5 Reasons To Vote Republican

MQotW Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 6

I Finally Outran The Handicapped Cop In The Nitro-Boosted Wheelchair With The Flashing Blue Lights,

Last edition’s quote was:

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

The correct answer is Austin Powers: Goldmember, featuring that oh-so-plucky troupe of Canadians Mike Meyers, Michael Meyers, M. Meyers, and Mike M. The first American feature film to express Canada’s distaste for the crunchy texture of Dutch people, Goldmember sits proudly at the bottom of the Austin Powers franchise. (Not because it’s the worst, but just because it’s lazy & doesn’t like being on top.) In spite of starring a highly comical Michael Caine as Austin’s estranged espionaged efather, this film will not be remembered for its multi-cultural flavor. It included Canadians, Americans, Dutch, Brits, and Oompa Loompas, but will not stand out as a United Nations comedy… no, it will stand out for poop jokes, “member” jokes, and for displaying a previously hidden Dutch penchant for eating dead skin. Ahem. I hate the Academy Awards.

Last edition’s winner was Todd “Mama” Jones. You may remember Mama from his last trip to the kitchen, before which he asked ‘Anybody want anything?’, to which we all responded with a polite ‘No thanks’, which thinly veiled our annoyance at being asked. Like we need someone to rob us of yet another reason to get up from the desk and stretch out the old walkin’ sticks. Before we get too annoyed, though, one thing that we should all understand about Mama: he acts simply out of love. He is not trying to give us an eating disorder (though Conkel seems to be dropping pounds like Latifah on Jenny Craig), nor is he secretly pining to feel wanted, useful, productive in this world of Aspergers-stricken analysts. No, he is simply in love with the idea that maybe, someday, with just the right mix of rainbows and grenadine, someone will want something from the damn kitchen. His prize is one dollop of rainbow; he’s on his own for the grenadine. I’m not made of money. (I’m made of rainbows.)

While not winning second place for a factually correct guess, Jane “Specs” Wong wins an Honorable Mention for being the next person to actually venture a guess that came remotely close to being correct. You’ve seen Jane roaming the halls wearing incredibly fashionable yet understated spectacles; she’s often smiling and, though she’s a tough Brand Finance analyst, she’s rarely stressed. This makes me think those spectacles are somehow enchanted. In fact, rumor has it that Jane’s nearly-rimless-but-too-cool-to-be-totally-rimless power-peepers are capable of delivering tiny doses of lithium into the back of Jane’s earlobes. Hence the smiling, non-stressed out demeanor that is entirely out of place for anyone in Corporate Finance. When asked where she obtained such an amazingly powerful pair of “prosthetics for the eyes”, she simply drooled into a little puddle on the carpet. Well played, Specs. Well played. Her prize is a little Dixie cup to catch her drool & keep it from gumming up the works of her keyboard (which she informed me is her trusty steed, and has named it Green Trident, which also happens to be her favorite gum).

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Northwest Airlines. “We serve granola on every flight. Buy your over-priced, fuel-burning, beer-fart-soaked seat today!” This just in: Delta Airlines has purchased Northwest Airlines. So, I guess…

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Delta Airlines. “We be flyin’ all over this &!*%$. No granola.”

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: He walked into our kitchen and was eating out of our refrigerator. I thought we was gonna eat me but he ate our daughter’s corsage and then ate our goldfish!
2: And where is he now, Mr. Henderson?
1: In the bathroom.
2: Oh, of course, how stupid of me.

Bon Chance!
Guitar Hero is My Hero,
Brian “Red Green Green Green Green Gr-Green Gr-Green Green (pause) Yellow sliiiiiiiiide” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW Director, Producer, Plaintiff-versus-former-Chef-and-Nanny, Heart-throb
“No thank you, I have a mint.”

Nestle’s Attempt at April Fool’s Humor

Hi Larry!

Guess Who’s Sullen?!?

NOTE: started writing this post yesterday, didn’t get to finish it.

Me! That’s right, folks, I’m down right DOWN today. Not really sure why, but I got annoyed pretty much right after physical therapy. Walked back to work, it was about 9:30… and I think what pissed me off was the fact that PT ALWAYS lasts longer than the hour, and I never make it to my desk when I think I will. Plus I have/had a sh!t ton of crap to get done today before 1:30, my head’s all over the place, and I have no idea what my day will look like – and I’m already starting late.

It just gets to me, that’s all… having an expectation for something as short as ONE frikkin’ day, and then having it thrown out the window in the first 3 hours. I know it’s something I’ve got to learn to deal with (‘Display some god-damn adaptability!’), if not because it’ll make life easier but simply because of how much I let it affect my mood. I am SULLEN after a morning like this.

Anyway, it’s been almost a month and at least a few of you have missed me. All I can say in some form of defense for my prolonged neglect is that, what little time I used to have for blogging while at work has been completely usurped by:
1) several large, long projects at work;
2) dealing with the parental divorce;
3) playing Guitar Hero III for the Wii;
4) trying to use words like ‘usurped’.

I’ve neglected Wyltie, Shorty, Seth, Cermak, The Bob, Derek, Priyesh, Charles, Sobotka, Sedaka, Rangini, Meesh, Brugger, Chad, Joe, Dre, Nanney… oh, and all the other family that I didn’t just see down in LA.

But I’m cutting myself some slack, because none of them (with the exception of Yesh & Dre & Meesh & Brugger) have come out to SF to visit. (Brugger even came all the way out TWICE and I never met up, so he gets the gold star.) Yesh almost doesn’t get credit because he came out here for very different reasons (congrats dude)… but at least he made time for us.


Choi’s reception is in 3 weeks, which will be a great occasion & a fun time to catch up with Cermak & Derek, and hopefully the in-laws & parent(s). Everybody else? COME VISIT US DAMMIT!

Flights are actually fairly cheap right now. We have plans over Memorial Day, but NOT July 4th, and NOT Labor Day, and there’s three months in between where we can easily accommodate you. Yes, you.

For all you FLDPs that are going on the cruise… well, I wish you safe travels & I’m sorry we couldn’t be there to join you. Next time. But not unless you come visit. Nyah.