Yes, yes, the inevitable self-reflecting post that comes with every new year. This year, comrades, will be different. Nine is my favorite number, as it is the first odd perfect square, and it’s the number around which every single math skill I have is built. What does this mean? Well, aside from the fact that I’m a Supreme Nerd, consider that I’m also a bit superstitious. Maybe it’s the little Chinese man in me (we all have one… even Oprah), but I feel like the calendar year that represents one or several 9s has GOT to be especially significant to me – and ever the optimist, I believe it will of course be especially POSITIVE. For instance, 1999 was a VERY good year. Full scholarship to Penn State, lost my virginity, and made two of my life-long best friends. It was 3x as good as any year I’ve ever had, and it had 3 nines in it. It’s science.
So this year will be awesome, and I’ll start it off with an awesome post. This could easily be another ‘here are my resolutions that I resolve during this first week of the year when everyone else is also resolving’ blog post, and you would still love me. But because I am insanely creative & ever so Nerd-ertaining, let’s turn up the Awesome. Presented below are all of the superheroes I will be by the end of 2009.
HERO #1: MISTER MANAGER
Secret Identity: Mediocre analyst who steals time from the company to blog, twitter, and buy stuff on eBay.
Corporate double-speak & nonsensical blurbs (i.e. “it is what it is”); politically correct insults
Able to work 16 hours in a single day
Makes amazingly important decisions with almost no data to support it by relying on “gut feel”
Impervious to actual analysis, busy work, and cubicles
Unable to add true value to any business situation, given status as “middle man” between the Supreme Executive Powers and The Data Monkeys.
How To Exploit:
Ask MISTER MANAGER to put together a presentation on what it is he does here.
HERO #2: SENOR HEE-HEE-HO-HA
Secret Identity: That funny friend who seems completely insecure & slightly socially inept unless he’s making fun of someone, something, or himself.
Pop culture references, politically incorrect ethnic slurs, profanity, poop jokes, dick jokes, boob jokes, sex jokes, synonyms for ‘vagina’, and neoliberalism; also Mexican.
Able to work for hours & hours on stand-up material while only getting paid in laughter
Makes old jokes new again by adding insignificant pop-culture references that last less than two years so that new jokes become old jokes again
Impervious to public humiliation, physical intimacy with a real person, and postgraduate education
Inflated sense of self-worth – as this increases, humor & superpowers decrease (i.e. Seinfeld, Al Franken, Dane Cook)
How to Exploit:
Repeatedly explain that he’s “such a good guy” and tell him people still love him even if he’s not funny.
HERO #3: HERO FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE FAT KID
Secret Identity: The guy who sees sees a bag of Oreos as a buffet, and who treats buffets as a self-defining feat of endurance.
Calories, nutrients, scientific names for parts of body/musculature (i.e. trapezius dorsi, gastrocnemius, gluteals), different types of spandex, perfect usage of ‘no homo’ dialects
Able to fepeatedly rise at crack of dawn to spend 60 minutes validating himself as physical specimen and/or trying to uncover the elusive ‘six pack’ with almost no true progress
Makes protein-packed lunches that are both nutrient-dense and delicious – tuna salad on rice cakes, boiled chicken breast, hard-boiled eggs, yogurt
Impervious to bagels, Bugles, burritos, burgers & babyback ribs.
Simple sugars like those found in icing, M&Ms, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and anything creme-filled; also guilt.
How to Exploit:
Bring him a baked good that you made yourself, and deploy Guilt Trip when he politely declines.
Note to Mr. Lee, G-More & JBee: these ideas are for sale – it will only cost you one cameo spot in each adapted screenplay.