1. I’d never get to have sex. In real life. With another human being. With another FEMALE human being. With another female human being that still has all her teeth. With another female human being that still has all her teeth and doesn’t have a menu of ‘services’ tattooed on the small of her back.
2. Instead of blogging, I’d play Second Life and World of Warcraft, and instead of referring to them by name, I refer to them as 2L and WOW in order to make myself feel like I’m part of an exclusive club.
3. Instead of improv, I’d make up words with non-sensical alphabets, like n00b, pwnd, w00t, and 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100100 01110101 01101101 01100010.
4. Instead of running, I’d… um… maybe think about trying to join the kickball league but get nervous about spending time around the girl from sales who’s also on the team and has nice knockers.
5. Instead of calling them breasts, I use all other words possible: boobs, tits, jugs, fun bags, chest udders, hooters, sweatermelons, chesticles, gazongas, stare bait, lung bongos, the aformentioned “knockers”, or chest hams. I’d also think these were hilarious. … Ahem.
6. Instead of occasionally wearing one of several humorous t-shirts for a day/night out in the city, I would stay at home and catalog all of the video-game t-shirts I collected (& still haven’t opened) from the free giveaways at the back of Nintendo Power magazines. My favorite would be the Contra t-shirt, but I wouldn’t have to explain why to my friends.
7. Instead of working in a cubicle in an office building at least 10 miles from where I live, I would live AND work in a cubicle I built myself in my cramped apartment building and know all of the free wi-fi spots within 10 miles.
8. Instead of talking thoughtfully about a movie with my friends after seeing it, I would text my fellow nerds during the movie. Each scene I particularly enjoyed would get the same rave: “Best. Plane fight. Ever.” or “Best. Nude male sex scene not starring Heath Ledger. Ever.”
9. Did I mention I’d never have sex?
10. Instead of writing Movie Quote of the Week emails that everyone enjoys reading & that have the potential to be sponsored (!), I would write very long letters to my favorite sci-fi androids (such as C3PO and Data and Vicki from Small Wonder), put them all together in an anthology, post it on Wikipedia as the entry for “robot love”, and then get pissed off at everyone else who tries to edit the facts that I know are accurate and this guy’s just being a d!ck.