MQotW Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 6

I Finally Outran The Handicapped Cop In The Nitro-Boosted Wheelchair With The Flashing Blue Lights,

Last edition’s quote was:

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

The correct answer is Austin Powers: Goldmember, featuring that oh-so-plucky troupe of Canadians Mike Meyers, Michael Meyers, M. Meyers, and Mike M. The first American feature film to express Canada’s distaste for the crunchy texture of Dutch people, Goldmember sits proudly at the bottom of the Austin Powers franchise. (Not because it’s the worst, but just because it’s lazy & doesn’t like being on top.) In spite of starring a highly comical Michael Caine as Austin’s estranged espionaged efather, this film will not be remembered for its multi-cultural flavor. It included Canadians, Americans, Dutch, Brits, and Oompa Loompas, but will not stand out as a United Nations comedy… no, it will stand out for poop jokes, “member” jokes, and for displaying a previously hidden Dutch penchant for eating dead skin. Ahem. I hate the Academy Awards.

Last edition’s winner was Todd “Mama” Jones. You may remember Mama from his last trip to the kitchen, before which he asked ‘Anybody want anything?’, to which we all responded with a polite ‘No thanks’, which thinly veiled our annoyance at being asked. Like we need someone to rob us of yet another reason to get up from the desk and stretch out the old walkin’ sticks. Before we get too annoyed, though, one thing that we should all understand about Mama: he acts simply out of love. He is not trying to give us an eating disorder (though Conkel seems to be dropping pounds like Latifah on Jenny Craig), nor is he secretly pining to feel wanted, useful, productive in this world of Aspergers-stricken analysts. No, he is simply in love with the idea that maybe, someday, with just the right mix of rainbows and grenadine, someone will want something from the damn kitchen. His prize is one dollop of rainbow; he’s on his own for the grenadine. I’m not made of money. (I’m made of rainbows.)

While not winning second place for a factually correct guess, Jane “Specs” Wong wins an Honorable Mention for being the next person to actually venture a guess that came remotely close to being correct. You’ve seen Jane roaming the halls wearing incredibly fashionable yet understated spectacles; she’s often smiling and, though she’s a tough Brand Finance analyst, she’s rarely stressed. This makes me think those spectacles are somehow enchanted. In fact, rumor has it that Jane’s nearly-rimless-but-too-cool-to-be-totally-rimless power-peepers are capable of delivering tiny doses of lithium into the back of Jane’s earlobes. Hence the smiling, non-stressed out demeanor that is entirely out of place for anyone in Corporate Finance. When asked where she obtained such an amazingly powerful pair of “prosthetics for the eyes”, she simply drooled into a little puddle on the carpet. Well played, Specs. Well played. Her prize is a little Dixie cup to catch her drool & keep it from gumming up the works of her keyboard (which she informed me is her trusty steed, and has named it Green Trident, which also happens to be her favorite gum).

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Northwest Airlines. “We serve granola on every flight. Buy your over-priced, fuel-burning, beer-fart-soaked seat today!” This just in: Delta Airlines has purchased Northwest Airlines. So, I guess…

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Delta Airlines. “We be flyin’ all over this &!*%$. No granola.”

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: He walked into our kitchen and was eating out of our refrigerator. I thought we was gonna eat me but he ate our daughter’s corsage and then ate our goldfish!
2: And where is he now, Mr. Henderson?
1: In the bathroom.
2: Oh, of course, how stupid of me.

Bon Chance!
Guitar Hero is My Hero,
Brian “Red Green Green Green Green Gr-Green Gr-Green Green (pause) Yellow sliiiiiiiiide” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW Director, Producer, Plaintiff-versus-former-Chef-and-Nanny, Heart-throb
“No thank you, I have a mint.”

MQotW – Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 5

I Want Change I Can Believe In But Am Scared Of Both Change & Beliefs But Am More Frightened By Women Who Look Like Hillary,

Last edition’s quote was: “(raised voice) Jason, how many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up? (lowers voice sheepishly) A lot, I think. (lowers further) Probably several, maybe.”

The correct answer is Houseguest, starring the late Phil Hartman and the sometimes-even-later Sinbad. This was a film that many missed in the great annals of film history, but includes Phil Hartman as the local Whitest Guy You Know, Sinbad as a fast-money-seeking self-help-video-watching layabout, and a classic case of mistaken identity. Mix in overused stereotypes of corporate families and Italian-American loan sharks, and watch the hilarity effervesce. There’s also a poignant lesson about not using topical Novocain as a hand sanitizer, for those of you looking to teach that adage to your children.

Last editions winner was Absolutely N. O’Body. Mr. O’Body is fictional, as no one from the non-fictional world even ventured a guess. (My wife, however, did attempt to answer via cheating just so she could be made fun of in this particular section of MQotW. I liken this to Britney flashing her crotch at a paparazzo (now coined a “Crotchograph”), as she is just doing it for the attention. Much like I have shunned Britney, I am now officially shunning my wife for this egregious affront to the sanctity of MQotW.) The fictional Mr. O’Body is a fitting recipient for a fictional prize, I suppose.

But instead of awarding him with a satchel of wet “Irish I Were Drunk” beer cozies, I will take this opportunity to reiterate the purpose(s) of MQotW. The purposes of MQotW do not include actually testing anyone’s movie knowledge for the purpose of sport, or conveying any shortcomings of your upbringing simply because you can’t remember all of the Funniest Things That Other People Say. Read: it will not, in fact, hurt you to take a guess or even just participate (‘show some love’) by sending a quick note to yours truly to acknowledge that, in some small way, MQotW serves a higher, ultimate purpose, which is to make you Laugh.

While this is the Over-Arching Philosophy of MQotW, the subset of purposes to serve this Big Kahuna of purposes are:

  1. I need to know that there are nerds out there that have a slight interest in or knowledge of random movie knowledge, the uselessness of which rivals that of the aforementioned Britney.
  2. you need to know that there is more to life than debits, credits, accruals, forecasts, Bat Mitzvahs, Chinese for lunch, and making up email addresses for your guinea pig, and I view MQotW as a slice of life upon which you lot are invariably in desperate need of munching.
  3. sponsorship – I am convinced that MQotW, with its rapier wit, erudite vocabulary, and creative use of social insecurities, is the perfect vehicle through which some company/publication/campaign/chess club can gain unsurpassed notoriety for the low, low price of $10 per Reader per Edition!. (If you happen to represent any one of the things between the slashy thingies, or if you know the proper term for the slashy thingies that have become such a large part of our lives thanks to Al Gore’s internet, please contact me immediately.)

That being said, this issue of MQotW is brought to you by Noah’s Bagels. Bagels Breads Lunch Coffee; Welcome to your Neighborhood Noah’s. If you are looking for a great way to start your morning that does not include uttering any of the following sounds:

venti
grande
mocha
-cino
McMuffin
-ocaine
-leave the money on the dresser
-you think that’s worth $20?
-I paid for the Vaseline

… then your Neighborhood Noah’s has the answer. From pork products wrapped in hastily-baked doughy carbohydrates to bagels covered in a dairy product so questionable that we invented the word ‘Shmear’ to not-so-cleverly cloak its gynecological qualities, there’s an entire plethora of menu options to shove down your gullet and make you feel bad about yourself. Stop by today!

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

Buena Suerte!

I’m So Bad At Sports I Get Confused Between Raider Nation And Guys Who Run Around In KISS Costumes,

Brian “Obama. No, Hillary. Okay, Obama. Wait Which One’s Funnier? Hillary? Naah I Disagree. I’m All Obama All The Way” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW CEO, CMO, COO, CTO, CSI, CNN, CBRadio, CTScan
“Shmear is Deliciously Unforgiving To Your Lower GI Tract!”

MQotW – Work Edition Vol 1. Issue 4

If I Listened Long Enough To You I’d Find A Way To Believe That It’s All True,

Last edition’s quote was: “How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive.”

The correct answer is Weekend at Bernie’s. Starred Terri Kiser, Jonathan Silverman (who’s less entertaining than his hot sister Sarah), and Andrew McCarthy. It also starred the idea that Staten Islanders are too stupid to recognize when their dead neighbor has been tied to & escorted around town by two New York hooligans, who are pretending he’s still alive so that they can prevent their own death. My personal belief is that this idea is WAY funnier than any of the actual actors, and it should be remade over & over.

Last edition’s winner, from the sunny city of Venice Beach, is none other than Stephanie “I’m Dating A Guy With The Same First Name As My Brother And It’s NOT Unsettling For Anyone In The Family” Hansen, who is dating a guy who also happens to be named Brian, who also happens to be from Pennsylvania, and who ALSO happens to have a sister named Stephanie, and who ALSO is a super-nice, clean-cut guy with a good head on his shoulders & aspirations to be an actor of some repute. Not ill repute. Healthy, desirable repute. (He also happens to like it when people correctly use the noun “repute.”) Aside from her eerie-but-eerie-without-being-unsettling-because-we’re-all-too-afraid-to-be-unsettled-by-it taste in gentleman suitors, Stephanie has many characteristics that make her one of the most unique denizens of the City of Angels. See, she grew up in a small town in rural Pennsylvania, then went to college in Boston, and moved to L.A. without the slightest hope of becoming an entertainer. Also, she is not a trust-fund baby, has only all-natural facial structure, has never even been on a surf board, and only has a passing fancy for gay men who hide their homosexuality behind a thinly-veiled drug habit/Woody Allen obsession. ‘Why would one move to L.A. without being any of those things, and without wanting to be at least marginally involved in ‘the business’?’ Good question, Reader, but please refrain to using the phrase ‘the business’, as it has several connotations of ill repute (!), as in “I just gave that toilet ‘the business'”, or “The kid has ‘the business’ in his diaper,” or “My wife refuses to give me ‘the business’ during American Idol” (note that the first two connotations are poo-related, and the third one is NOT). Sadly, I cannot answer your question, Reader. Nor can she. Neither of us can even BUY a clue as to why she would CHOOSE, without ANY of the usual reasons, to move to one of the dirtiest, smoggiest, smelliest, fakest, shallowest, greediest, most dangerous, traffic-jammed metropolises in the entire country. I stand before you, Readers, stumped, baffled & bemused. I cannot conceive of any reason that she chose to live there. Although I hear the burritos are pretty good. So her prize this week: a feasible, believable answer to that question that she can finally employ, instead of sputtering something about beaches & umbrella drinks: “Because the burritos are good, and I love me some burritos.” (This is not even remotely true.)

Last edition’s runner-up, a dear friend from my days at Penn State, Seth “Ballroom Blitz” Rohrbach, is known for his flagrant flamenco, his ravishing rumba, and the always lascivious La Bamba. We met in a class on Alliterative Dance, which he passed with flying colors, and I failed – while my command of the alliterative dance names is strong, his mightily milky Milkshake and his laughable Lawn Mower outshined everyone else in the class and totally screwed up the curve, leaving me to simply write about the experience (and hope that people know what alliteration means). Blitz, as he’s known to his fancy friends, is currently attempting to publish a flip-book of his dances. This is particularly curious, because no one has ever successfully captured the magical merengue or the sexual Samba on the small comic-strip-sized pages of a flip-book. Flipped too fast, and the dancers appear to simply be flying around a room from one scene to the next, like poltergeists with no sense of rhythm or aesthetics. Flipped too slow, and all of a sudden it stops looking like a dance and more like an instruction manual for saving scantily-clad girls from large dance-floor-type crowds whilst also wearing a tuxedo with the chest torn out of it (Blitz’ signature costume). While MQotW certainly wishes Blitz the best of luck in this imminently ill-fated illustrative impulse, his prize is nothing notable at all: an alliterative assortment, including but not limited to a sack of seashells secured from Sally who sells seashells down by the seashore, a peck of pickled peppers picked by Peter Piper, and a windfall of wood chucked by a woodchuck who would not, could not, chuck wood without knowing how much wood a woodchuck could chuck. (Alliteration, audience!)

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week:

“(raised voice) Jason, how many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up? (lowers voice sheepishly) A lot, I think. (lowers further) Probably several, maybe.”

Good Luck!

The Super Bowl Is An Excuse To Eat Like Roseanne Did Before She Got Religion,

Brian “I Wish Roseanne Hadn’t Found Religion” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW Creator In The Non-Religious Sense Of The Word
“Stop Using Capital Letters In Your Signature. Makes It Religious. It’s Pretentious. So Is The Word Pretentious. Especially In Capitals.”

MQotW – Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 3

The New Wii Fit Game MUST Revitalize My Enthusiasm For Psuedo-Exercise Because My New Year’s Resolution Is To Play More Video Games,

Last edition’s quote: (whisper) “He’s cooking our garbage.”

The correct answer is Uncle Buck. Starred Macaulay Culkin before his heyday, as in pre-Home Alone. Oh, and people sometimes forget that it also happened to star JOHN CANDY, funniest man from Canada in recent history who has shuffled off this mortal coil.

Last edition’s winner responded in less than 5 minutes with not only the full title of the movie, but also with the name of the actor (though not the name of the character in the film). Our trigger-happy winner was Andrew “Why? Because I SURSA!” Ysursa, who is from Idaho but may as well be from Kraplechistan, because he NEVER meets other people from Idaho. Not only does he have to deal with the solitude of being an Idahoan (not to mention the challenge of correctly pronouncing “Idahoan”), but he also has to deal with geographically-deficient individuals confusing his home state, from whence God Delivers Potatoes, with IOWA, from whence God Delivers Corn. In an interview with Andrew, he says “You’d be amazed how many people f*ck up that basic piece of 5th grade geographic pop culture. It totally spuds my taters.” When I asked Andrew about this “spuds his taters” comment, which appears to be a hyperlocal colloquialism, he could not recall having said it. “I could swear I didn’t say that. I said it totally spuds my taters.” Sensing what may be going on, and being ever the quick one, I asked him to write down this last sentence. He WROTE “I could swear I didn’t say that. I said it totally boils my [censored].” Just as I suspected, Andrew Ysursa is suffering from Idahoatuberism, where he vocalizes discontent in terms of potatoes instead of other, more widely accepted euphemisms. I’ve seen it a hundred times with people from odd states. The two friends I have from Iowa say “That really shucks my husks”, my friend from Wyoming … crap, what does she say? … I can’t remember what she says about Wyoming… hmm… what would she say about Wyoming? It escapes me. In any case, as his prize for winning MQotW, Andrew’s affliction, though not entirely unpleasant and simultaneously vegetarian-friendly (as opposed to the Chicago phenomenon involving the phrase “cases my kielbasa”), will be immediately treated, gratis, by my good friend Dr. Poopsteihn. (Pronounced ‘POOP-sten, not poop-‘STANE.) He’s from Alabama.

Sadly, even after weeks of hiatus, we had no second place winner for Issue 2. While this is unfortunate for my ever-growing popularity & widening distribution list, it suits today’s situation particularly well, as I’m completely spent after the whole “spuds my taters” thing.

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week:

“How do you like that? The guy gets laid more times dead than I do alive.”

Good Luck!

Potatoes are Tubers,

Brian “I Missed My Calling & It Didn’t Even Leave A Message After The Beep” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW Creator & Founder & President & CEO & Ampersand User & Title Acquirer & Pennsylvanian
“That really clangs my Liberty Bell.”

MQotW – Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 2

Note: I know this is probably cheating, but I just don’t have time to blog AND do MQotW, so I’ll start making MQotW pull double-duty. Enjoy, and feel free to participate.
**********************&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&***********************************

My Disorders Are Seasonally Affected,

Last edition’s quote: “You guys have chickens?!? Are these original recipe or Extra Crispy?”


The correct answer is Son-In-Law. Yes, starring Pauly Shore & Carla Gugino. Pauly went on to more movies involving chickens. Carla went on to movies involving drugs & Russell Crowe (American Gangster).

Last edition’s winner, with the honor of being the FIRST winner of MQotW, was Toddfrey “Headphones” Jones. Toddfrey is normally spotted in the Garden View, rocking out to a music mix that can only be described as eclectic: everything from Massive Attack, Bette Midler, Tiny Tim, all the way to Sex Pistols, Shoelaces Are Stupid, MEATPIE, and David Hasselhoff, depending on the mood he’s in. Most recently, though, Toddfrey has expressed an interest in acting; he just saw the naked wrestling scene in Borat and was particularly inspired, so he auditioned for & was selected for a major role in the Orpheum’s reprisal of Hugh Jackman’s two-man show, ‘The Boy From Down Under’, in which Toddfrey plays a small boy that Hugh finds living under his pillow, au naturale. (The misconception that ‘The Boy from Down Under’ has to do with the fact that Hugh Jackman is Australian is a wide-spread virus of false information; the play is a heart-felt exposé on the trials & tribulations of small-framed boys born into a life of hiding amongst cotton, feathers, and darkness, where you need no clothes.) If you have a chance, please stop by & wish our budding actor all the best. As his prize for winning, Toddfrey will receive a gift certificate for one night’s lodging under the pillow of his choice at the Lucky Lucky Massage Parlor in Alameda. In keeping with encouragement of Toddfrey’s extracurriculars, the gift certificate will be made out to his new stage name, Ducky Von Hydenpillough.

Alas, there was no second place winner this week, as Toddfrey’s response was the only one to contain an attempt at answering. HOWEVER, we here at MQotW are not monsters, and when we say we will award two fake prizes, we mean it. So this week’s second prize goes to the first person to respond confusedly to the first edition, which was Julia “Schmools” Newton. Aside from having one of the most unique nicknames in the Bay Area (and that’s saying something), Miss Newton is quite an individual’s individual. Her personality was constructed from a mold that none other has filled, past or present. I can bet on the fact that none of you know anyone else who has all of the following habits: saving all their own hair & nail clippings in a five-gallon paint bucket in the closet; obsessively acknowledging lampposts with a jaunty “What’s up pussycat?” as they pass each & every one; drawing rude (and I mean rude) pictures of bunnies doing “repair work” on vacuum cleaners and hanging these pictures on a shower rod in the garage; and reading books that Oprah recommends. Julia’s prize as the runner-up is a new nickname, but in the interest of Web 2.0, we here at MQotW are opening it up for suggestions. Got a new nickname for the toenail-saving, lamppost-greeting, fictional-bunny-violating, Oprah-reading Schmools? Let us know!

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.


Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.
Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.
Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…
Movie Quote of the Week:
(whisper) “He’s cooking our garbage.”


Good Luck!

I Swear I Don’t Make This Stuff Up,

Brian “Makes This Stuff Up” Hansen
Master Quotidian

MQotW Creator & Founder & President & CEO & Ampersand User & Title Acquirer

“Shift+7 Baby!!&!&!&!&&&!!&&!!”