MQotW – Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 5

I Want Change I Can Believe In But Am Scared Of Both Change & Beliefs But Am More Frightened By Women Who Look Like Hillary,

Last edition’s quote was: “(raised voice) Jason, how many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up? (lowers voice sheepishly) A lot, I think. (lowers further) Probably several, maybe.”

The correct answer is Houseguest, starring the late Phil Hartman and the sometimes-even-later Sinbad. This was a film that many missed in the great annals of film history, but includes Phil Hartman as the local Whitest Guy You Know, Sinbad as a fast-money-seeking self-help-video-watching layabout, and a classic case of mistaken identity. Mix in overused stereotypes of corporate families and Italian-American loan sharks, and watch the hilarity effervesce. There’s also a poignant lesson about not using topical Novocain as a hand sanitizer, for those of you looking to teach that adage to your children.

Last editions winner was Absolutely N. O’Body. Mr. O’Body is fictional, as no one from the non-fictional world even ventured a guess. (My wife, however, did attempt to answer via cheating just so she could be made fun of in this particular section of MQotW. I liken this to Britney flashing her crotch at a paparazzo (now coined a “Crotchograph”), as she is just doing it for the attention. Much like I have shunned Britney, I am now officially shunning my wife for this egregious affront to the sanctity of MQotW.) The fictional Mr. O’Body is a fitting recipient for a fictional prize, I suppose.

But instead of awarding him with a satchel of wet “Irish I Were Drunk” beer cozies, I will take this opportunity to reiterate the purpose(s) of MQotW. The purposes of MQotW do not include actually testing anyone’s movie knowledge for the purpose of sport, or conveying any shortcomings of your upbringing simply because you can’t remember all of the Funniest Things That Other People Say. Read: it will not, in fact, hurt you to take a guess or even just participate (‘show some love’) by sending a quick note to yours truly to acknowledge that, in some small way, MQotW serves a higher, ultimate purpose, which is to make you Laugh.

While this is the Over-Arching Philosophy of MQotW, the subset of purposes to serve this Big Kahuna of purposes are:

  1. I need to know that there are nerds out there that have a slight interest in or knowledge of random movie knowledge, the uselessness of which rivals that of the aforementioned Britney.
  2. you need to know that there is more to life than debits, credits, accruals, forecasts, Bat Mitzvahs, Chinese for lunch, and making up email addresses for your guinea pig, and I view MQotW as a slice of life upon which you lot are invariably in desperate need of munching.
  3. sponsorship – I am convinced that MQotW, with its rapier wit, erudite vocabulary, and creative use of social insecurities, is the perfect vehicle through which some company/publication/campaign/chess club can gain unsurpassed notoriety for the low, low price of $10 per Reader per Edition!. (If you happen to represent any one of the things between the slashy thingies, or if you know the proper term for the slashy thingies that have become such a large part of our lives thanks to Al Gore’s internet, please contact me immediately.)

That being said, this issue of MQotW is brought to you by Noah’s Bagels. Bagels Breads Lunch Coffee; Welcome to your Neighborhood Noah’s. If you are looking for a great way to start your morning that does not include uttering any of the following sounds:

-leave the money on the dresser
-you think that’s worth $20?
-I paid for the Vaseline

… then your Neighborhood Noah’s has the answer. From pork products wrapped in hastily-baked doughy carbohydrates to bagels covered in a dairy product so questionable that we invented the word ‘Shmear’ to not-so-cleverly cloak its gynecological qualities, there’s an entire plethora of menu options to shove down your gullet and make you feel bad about yourself. Stop by today!

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

Buena Suerte!

I’m So Bad At Sports I Get Confused Between Raider Nation And Guys Who Run Around In KISS Costumes,

Brian “Obama. No, Hillary. Okay, Obama. Wait Which One’s Funnier? Hillary? Naah I Disagree. I’m All Obama All The Way” Hansen
Master Quotidian
“Shmear is Deliciously Unforgiving To Your Lower GI Tract!”

Events Like These

Last night our friend Mary Schaefer brought us along to a benefit dinner for 826 Valencia:

From their website:

Simply put, 826 Valencia is dedicated to supporting students ages 6 to 18 with their writing skills, and to helping teachers get their students excited about the writing. Our work is based on the understanding that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success and that great leaps in learning can be made when skilled tutors work one-on-one with students.

So, last night we had three hours of sushi, wine, and an unexpected “field trip” experience in which all 70 of us collectively composed a short story. The short story was typed up on-screen as we went, as well as illustrated on the fly courtesy of Lisa Brown, author of Baby Mix Me a Drink and wife of Lemony Snicket (Dan Handler). We all left with a bound book, a decent wine buzz, and feeling like we had contributed to an important, nay.. VITAL .. community organization.

I, however, left with a serious jones to be a Volunteer Leader within this organization, joining the ranks of Jory John (website, which is funny but not about him) as a Field Trip leader. Jory & his leaders basically do the highly-improvisational work of leading a classroom full of kids through the highly-improvisational process of highly-improvisational story creation. The work is improv because he can’t possibly plan how things will end up, the process is improv because each class will go about it differently, and the story is improv because, well, they’re making it up. You can tell that he really loves what he does and that it’s highly rewarding for him. I’d love to take some of the burden off his shoulders. 826 has like 1,600 volunteers on its rosters in the Bay Area, but only six.. SIX… of them share the Field Trip leader responsibilities with Jory. I’m hoping to be lucky number seven.

Now, most of you don’t live where 826 Valencia makes a difference… but you probably do live damn close to one of the other 826s.


If you’re at ALL intrigued by the concept of empowering our future through the thoughtful donation of time & resources to help children/students write sentences better than this one, I urge you to investigate this organization. It was founded by Deggers, one of my favorite authors, and has been helping students around the country based solely on support of donors (of both money AND time). It’s an AWESOME endeavor, and I really can’t wait to play a bigger role in it.

Now it’s just the issue of figuring out how to sell the boss (& her boss) on me taking 3 hours every other week to lead a Field Trip. If anyone is an expert at getting a small-to-medium corporation to release you from business needs for volunteering opportunities that aren’t organized by same corporation, please let me know. Jory has offered to write a very nice letter to those who need to approve my departure, but I’m still nervous – any tips/tricks would be helpful. (I would’ve been happy just participating in the company’s Junior Achievement program, but they totally dissed me – I signed up to volunteer and haven’t heard diddly-squat back – so now I’ve got 826 as my avenue to give something back.)

Anyway, back to work. The pressure’s eased a bit, hence the blogging over an actual lunch period, but I still have crap to do.

Too Late To Apologize

Where the hell have I been for two weeks? And two weeks, eff that, it’s been more like a month since I posted anything more than links and funny photos… my loyal readers must be so upset with me. Duly so, I’m afraid. My energy lately has been split three ways: work has lately been consuming about 80% of my waking hours; marathon training is another 10%; which only leaves 10% for the rest of my life: the Marriage, Quality Time, making new friends, maintaining long-distance relationships with old friends, attempting to define the rest of my life professionally… ON TOP of the standard chores of cooking, cleaning, laundry, collecting toe nails in a bag in the closet, reorganizing my stuffed animals, and attempting to teach math to blind kids using flash cards (which is about the least productive thing I’ve ever done – they just won’t learn!)

Now you might ask about my recent birth on Facebook and question my fidelity to Wyltie here. Well, as I said, my ENERGY is going to the list of minutiae above, which does take about 95% of my TIME. The other 5% of my time, when I’ve got no energy, is when I spend time twiddling my thumbs playing Scrabulous and updating my status message to whatever witticism strikes me as fleetingly suitable.

Wyltie, on the other hand, is not forgiving when I just type and ramble or link random sh!t. Wyltie takes energy. Plus, I know for a fact that you people are more likely to sniff out the latest Facebook updates rather than come here & look for posts – mainly because a) I update FB more often; and b) you get the deets on everyone in your virtual universe all on one page, as opposed to having to flip through to various blogs. Believe me, I understand the convenience of that. So Wyltie pays off less than FB does – people are much more likely to write on my “Wall” (what the fuck kind of concept design is that? who do you know that has a wall anywhere that other people write on? wall-writing is for rest-stop bathrooms and prisons, not social gatherings, whether they’re virtual or in meatspace) than they are to leave comments here on the blog. Why? Presumably it takes more effort to comment here (not same page as in FB), plus there’s a psychological thing about actually being able to see YOUR comment on the person’s page rather than just see Wyltie’s little comment-count thinger go up a digit – you feel secure your message will be seen / heard by at least the intended recipient (for the record, I’m just nerdy enough to have Wyltie email me automatically any time someone posts a comment, so invariably, I do see them… I don’t always respond, but am trying to get better at that part too), but you probably think maybe will see it and check out your profile & want to #$meet&* you in the @#Taco Bell Drive-Thru$*& and call you a #$*343#ugly woman@@ and twist your %$*nipple$&$ at a medium pace. Don’t steal that, by the way… I’m the first FIRST FIRST to ever just put the word I’m censoring in the middle of the usual censor characters. One point for me in the Creativity column, one in the Genius column (come on, it’s Awesome), and one in the First Nerd To Claim It column.

So, it may be too late to apologize (love that song, mainly because of its immense popularity in New Zealand whilst there for our honeymoon), but for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for not having the ENERGY to be here as often as I promised I would be. Cry me a #*fucking&@ river. (Told you. Awesome.)

Now, the update:
1) work is busy busy busy but I still like it almost every day;
2) training is going well – did 13.3 miles on Sunday in 50-60mph winds during the run over the Golden Gate, leg is definitely sore (ACL inflamed) but should mend with time;
3) R and the Marriage are doing well – though I’m already panicking a little about the first anniversary present because I can’t afford to mess that up (TOLD YOU IT WAS AWESOME);
4) acting is not happening so much – see reasons 1-3 above, but I DID go to a Chess club a few weeks ago in the interest of remaining social among my people (Nerds);
5) family is doing okay – sister had her car totaled by some old woman in San Diego who probably shouldn’t have been driving, but at least sister wasn’t in it at the time and everyone is okay, parents seem to be doing well as Dad gets closer to surgery on neck/back and Mom finishes up her Associate’s degree at Penn State, seeing the Iowa clan in a month down in LA but they seem good (loony, but good) as always, in-laws sound healthy & happy which means I can’t be totally screwing up the Marriage, and there is no movement on the needle that measures Pregnancy, which means there will be no new Hansens in the world any time soon (thank you drospirenone!)

This post is mainly about getting you up-to-date, but in the interest of getting back to the point of this whole Wyltie thing, I pose you, dear Reader, with a question: do you think there is space on, say, the Food Network for a loveable, approachable, slightly rotund & balding male chef in his late twenties (it’d take me a year or two to get through Culinary School & actually have some kitchen experience) who cannot only demonstrate his skills in the kitchen, but that can do so whilst also causing you to laugh hysterically? That is to say, if Rachel Ray were funny, but at the expense of being able to show you each and every detail behind her recipes, would you watch her?

‘What a weird question… why do you ask?’ Because, dammit, I want out of this corporate stuff (still like what I’m doing but it’s not who I am) and I want to be on stage in some way. Given the ‘slightly rotund & balding’ qualifications, I may never make it in a completely dramatic or comedic way, so I have to find my own niche, and I’m considering that maybe it’s the one-two punch of Comedy & Cuisine. The little bit of stand-up material I’ve been writing (yes, I’ve been working on it) has almost zero to do with food, but that’s only because I haven’t been focusing in that way. (Can’t shoot a deer in the woods if you’re aiming at the ducks on the pond… unless you’re really really bad at hunting… or if you’re Dick Cheney.) I think, I THINK, that I could make cooking funny. Or food funny, or some combination thereof. Or hell, I could just bring my comedy into the kitchen – Would you still laugh at Richard Pryor if he had done his Africa routine whilst whipping up a Sour Cream Cheesecake? Probably, because it’s damn funny. But I want to know what you think. So tell me already.

I’m in Training…

Today’s Taper Run

Feel good today. Neighborhood smells like laundry.

A Little Link Crazy…

I don’t usually embed videos or do lots of linking. Not because it’s wrong or because it’s not useful to share this stuff with people, but mainly because I don’t find a lot of really good stuff most of the time. Today just happened to be a rare day in which EVERYTHING I found was AWESOME.

First one: this guy should win an award. Not a big prize or anything, but some notification that he is in fact awesome at all things beer pong.

She’s F’N Matt Damon

“When I told you I was f*&^ing Matt Damon, I was f*^&ing Matt Damon…”

Woman is from Jersey City, but Product is from Heaven

Parker Is My Hero

R can complain all she wants, but at least I don’t: a) roll around on the floor; b) hurt myself with the sheer gas velocity; or c) have a friend put a webcam on me.

You know you’re intrigued.

Did I Mention…


Just thought you should know. Maybe you’ll help me keep accountable to training for it. I still plan on publishing my training calendar here, but I need to figure out a proper way to do it. (Anyone with hints/suggestions, let me know.)

This is the marathon I signed up for (had to change from the Big Sur Marathon because of Choi’s stateside wedding reception):

Trail-ish, lots of redwoods… and it’s in Humboldt County, which is famous for… well, you look it up. ;-)