I’m currently <50 pages into three different books, which is an unusual situation for me, but I’m kind of enjoying switching between them; the one that’s most intriguing (and the only one that’s non-fiction) is The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable, by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. So far as I can tell, the basic premise is: nobody really knows anything.
OSJ – Day 3
A missed train, a missed opportunity at work, and missing my family; I’m more & more ready for the final stage of our move back to New Jersey. However, the pains of today are acute, whereas the pain of that transition is longer-lasting, more challenging – but more rewarding as a result. Not unlike a stick of Big Red.
OSJ – Day 2
The new One-Sentence Journal (OSJ) continues…
Today’s entry: Transition period + long-distance relationship + being new parents + putting together a new home + adjusting to one income = not easy; but my theory is that if you add a little patience & optimistic confidence, it equals a great life. (It’s also important that you have a great wife – which is an obvious qualification to me, because I have one.)
This is the start of something new
One-sentence journal begins today.
(No, that’s not today’s entry. Neither is this parenthetical.)
And before today’s entry, a little exposition. This idea is inspired by Gretchen Rubin’s book The Happiness Project, which I highly recommend. Even if you’re one of the truly rare, truly happy people, I think you’d find value in all the work & research she did into the subject. Further, while it’s called a “one-sentence” journal, I’m not holding myself hard & fast to that description. But the idea is that because daily journaling (or blogging) can be an overwhelming commitment because it feels like you have to write a hearty, beefy entry in order to make it count – a totally arbitrary definition or construct that is easily discarded once you acknowledge its nature as such. So why not label your journal as a one-sentence journal? Also an arbitrary construct, but one that’s muuuuuuch easier on our already over-scheduled calendar.
Final caveat: labeling it a one-sentence journal does not in fact make a requirement of the stated length; I won’t be holding fast to that, and I might argue that if you did, you’re basically still beholden to an arbitrary construct that’s almost as difficult as the one you just jettisoned.
Today’s entry: Had an extremely arduous 14-mile run across the GGB & around the Presidio, and didn’t even eat the way that a run like that usually entails; kind of like reading 40 books over the summer for Book It! just to get coupons for eight free personal pan pizzas for free from Pizza Hut, and then remembering that you don’t really like Pizza Hut.
What the WHAT!?!?
I’m a DAD!
Her name is Kathryn Olivia Hansen, born 5/2/09 in San Francisco at a healthy almost-a-bowling-ball weight of 7lbs 15oz and a roomy 20″. She’s got a full head of brown hair & eyes that are a deep blue (at least so far). And yes, she’s my new favorite person. 
No, you can't get this on Etsy.
Here’s what I wrote about this whole experience last Sunday, May 2nd, right after Renee was officially admitted into the hospital & we made ourselves at home in the big sterile hotel room. Unfortunately I didn’t have time (surprise!) to cover the whole experience in this entry, and while I’m tempted to try now, a week later, to re-capture all the feelings & events that transpired afterwards, I can’t possibly do them justice. So the labor experience, the cutting of the cord, the smell of my daughter’s head right before they put her in the Cap of Androgeny (the little cotton hat that’s equal parts pink & blue that all hospitals use so they can prevent the correct gender identification of all babies)… none of that is written in the below, and my only salvo to replace it is to tell you that, if possible, you should experience it for yourself, like most things that are amazing.
While this blog will still mainly be for my forays into acting & comedy & for memorializing oblique pop culture references, there’s really nothing more amazing than becoming a parent, and it will undoubtedly affect every single fiber of who I am for the next 80 years (yes, I’ll live until I’m 109), so this is a fitting place for something a little different.
What we have below is a piece I will refer to as:
I Need To Sit Down, or The Day When Literally Everything Changed Forever
We are officially in the hospital, about to become parents to what
will surely be one of those girls who is cute until 7, looks way
awkward between 7 & 13, and (hopefully) grows into the nose she got
from her Dad and long limbs she got from her Mom.
I am… I don’t know what I am. If a word exists to express it, it’s
something like
HOLYSHITHAPPYSCAREDWHATTHEHELLJUSTHAPPENEDWHOAREYOUSAVETHEPRINCESS1UPGAMEOVERCONTINUE?
DAMMITIDONTKNOWWHATIAMDOINGSTOPTHESCREAMINGTOOMUCHPOOP.
Ahem.
Now with composure…
I have a feeling today is going to be the next Best Day of My Life.
And I imagine none will be its equal until she grows up and maybe
chooses to take a similar path and makes me a Grandpa.
I can honestly say I have never had so many conflicting emotions
running through me at once. Remember the show Herman’s Head? It’s
like THAT, but louder and the fat guy in charge of the “fun stuff”
has way more gas, and all the opinions are bouncing around like
Drop Dead Fred. (Daniel Tosh isn’t the only one who can adroitly
reference that movie!)
Maybe that explains why, when I fast-forward to the part in this movie
where I meet this liitle treasure for the first time, I smile like a
loon and get a little weepy. (Weepy in a manly sense.) I also can get
VERY upset when I think about anyone ever hurting her. VERY UPSET.
Like turn-green-and-rip-my-jean-shorts upset. And then I get laughy.
Because I know R and I are about to embark on our very own comedy of
errors, complete with spit-takes, prat falls and fart sounds, and I
believe I’m about to truly learn what comedy is.
So you see, children, today is a Big Day. If ever I was going to
question my own masculinity, that question has been answered, as I’ve done the most masculine thing a guy can ever do… enter the realm of fatherhood. This stuff takes BALLS.
F**k History
F**k History. I particularly enjoy the Jesus & Pyramids revisions.
The Universe is Expanding & All I Got Was This Lousy Haircut
Okay okay, catch your breath – I know it’s a shock that I’m FINALLY writing. It really shouldn’t be – I always wait months in between posts on a blog that I claim is updated “regularly.” It’s a simple formula really – surprised you haven’t figured that out yet. Hmph. I thought you were supposed to be a nerd.
I am currently undergoing many changes. So many changes in fact that it’s like puberty at 28, with less hair & more schadenfreude. Lest you stop recognizing me amongst all the other oh-so-recognizable Bay Area actor-comedian-blogger types, here’s the run-down of all the things that are in flux or that have just recently come out of flux, or that are about to change so rapidly that I’m just gonna call them “what the flux?!?”
But rest assured that none of these change the fundamentals of me. I’m still the only Bay Area actor-comedian-blogger type that can directly reference Freud & then a split sentence later obliquely reference Spielberg, whose name is of course German for “storied jew”, and bring that circle to a close.
Ahem.
Flux Element #1: I’m about to be a father. May 3rd is the official ETA, but any daughter of mine would totally wait 48 hours to join us on Cinco de Mayo & let the world enjoy all the pinata jokes. So let’s call Cinco de Mayo de Diez the day my life changes. FOREVER. And more than in the way everyone’s life changes everyday blah blah existential hooey blah. A FRIKKIN’ FATHER. Buckle up.
Flux Element #2: I’m way more productive these days… and my focus is somehow able to spread over multiple areas without stretching thin. Working, husbanding (not the animal kind), running, acting, prepping for Baby Girl Hansen, and let’s see what else OH YEAH being awesome. I’m like Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, without the accent, abs, orange skin, or pathetically under-developed vocabulary. Wait… so… the only thing left is the fact that he nicknamed himself “The Situation”. So I should mention that heretofore I shall be known as Brian “The Current-Set-Of-Circumstances” Hansen.
Flux Element #3: My nickname is Brian “The Current-Set-Of-Circumstances” Hansen.
Flux Element #4: There may be a marked shift in my creative efforts underway; I’ve been considering the ‘writing’ part of drama/comedy a lot more often. Aside from my ill-fated attempts at using the word schadenfreude in the world of blogs, I’m usually WAY more capable of being funny in writing than I am in person. As proof, here’s a recent email survey that a beloved friend & sometimes-mentor asked me to fill out about my thoughts on bilingual education, which is to be used for one of her MBA projects. Note my oh-so-effortless use of racial profiling, stereotypes, and things that could be offensive but aren’t because I’m Brian “The Current-Set-Of-Circumstances” Hansen. (Hmm… that’s getting annoying to type. Can I abbreviate that CSOC, pronounced “sea sock” or potentially “seize hawk”? Is that legal? Wait, what am I asking you for? I’m frikkin’ CSOC.)
————–
(1) How old are your kids? Negative 2 months… she’s still baking.
(2) What language(s) do you speak at home with them? The only two I speak – English and Bad English.
(3) Do you have family members / an au pair / nanny who speak in a foreign language with them? @#$* no. Those people are @$&*ing expensive.
(4) Are you interested in your children being bilingual? Yes!
(5) If so, why? (And, if not, why not?) Because a) I truly believe learning two languages expands the mind’s ability to think critically and recognize patterns in analysis mode; and b) this world ain’t gettin’ any smaller, and it’s unrealistic to think that US hegemony will continue much longer – meaning English may soon pass out of the “major” tongues of business & political discourse; c) I want her to be able to order off the Five Dollar Menu when McDonald’s sells out to China and becomes McKimCheeWongHsuTsong.
(6) What products (if any) do you use for your children to learn another language? (Example – teaching materials used at home like workbooks and DVDs up to immersion school or special classes). None yet, other than my spotty understanding of Dora the Explorer’s teachings of Spanish culture (“Always abra la puerta when you go to the potty!”) and what I’ve learned from my disco lessons – disco’s totally a different vibe, sheila.
(7) How did you select which language to teach your child? I declared my Aladdin puppet the “Arabic & Middle Eastern tongue” representative, I threw Miss Piggy in the ring to represent Hebrew (I heart irony), and drew some slanty-eyes on a stress ball to represent China (the irony there is that the stress ball was made in Taiwan… HAH!); I threw all three into a death match together – Aladdin strapped dynamite to his own chest, ululated a little, and then threw himself on the the porcine princess with only a three-second fuse. The stress ball survived the explosion because it was bouncy.
—————-
See? Funny. And I came up with that in ten minutes (all except the ‘English & Bad English’, which is a credit to my man-crush Bruce Willis in ‘The Fifth Element’), much like I used to write my Movie Quote of the Week (MQotW) emails. More often than not, I can sit and make up funny stuff. I haven’t learned how to tell a funny story with plot points and characters to save my g-d life, but after talking to my screen-writing sister & her acting boyfriend, I’m convinced that’s a skill I can learn. So learning & honing that skill may soon come into laser focus for CSOC.
Flux Element #5: I’m back on the roads, running regularly & loving it. Several contributing factors, but I’d say the biggest one is that I finally bought into the idea that setting goals will create the motivation to accomplish them. In November, I set a goal to run 50 miles before Thanksgiving. I had 8 days. I did it. Then I kinda stopped – I recently realized it was because I had no goal. I also believe that actually publishing those goals outside of the whiteboard in my brain doubles down on that bet, so: last Monday I laid out an albeit ambitious but still realistic goal of running 200 miles before Tax Day. Two months to run two century bike races. It’s been a week and I’ve already logged 24.5 miles. Almost entirely on pace – would be AHEAD of the game if the weather had cooperated yesterday. That’s right. That’s how we do it… CSOC style.
Flux Element #6: I’m doing less. That’s right. LESS. I recently read & highly recommend the book “The Power of Less” by Dr. Leo Babauta. I’ll let you ferret it out for yourself, but my biggest take-away was the power of purposeful planning. So I now set up each work day with THREE (and only three) Most Important Tasks. I get those three things done at work, and everything else for the day is 100% gravy. I’ve also used it on the personal side of life, but with less success – because I always make extremely grand plans for all my free time, and can’t seem to limit my lists to only three things – but that’s mainly due to the fact that I haven’t really applied my ‘Set A Goal’ philosophy to most of my activities other than running. I’m not worried about claiming to do less at work – because my productivity has actually soared in the last month or so. I’m no longer overwhelmed, my sense of direction & motivation at work is no longer changing every day, and I get far more frequent doses of a sense of accomplishment – when none of those things were true, it frequently meant a frustrating & unrewarding day at the office. Yes, I still think there are other jobs that would be better for me out there, but at least my approach to THIS job is no longer a liability. That makes this job, ANY job, way more tolerable, because I’m no longer relying on other people to give me that sense of direction or that sense of accomplishment. Seriously. “The Power of Less.” Check that sh*t out. CSOC style.
… That’s six fluxes. That’ll do.
Evan Handler: If My Car Is Being “Recalled,” Why Arent You Taking it Back?
Evan Handler: If My Car Is Being “Recalled,” Why Arent You Taking it Back?.
Good point, Runkle.
High-Five Yourself.
So 2010 has started. It’s 1% over already, actually. What’s next? First a quick look back since the last time:
In November I auditioned for Bay One Acts. Two weeks ago, I also auditioned for The Lion in Winter with Chanticleers. I didn’t get either one. The first one hurt a lot & I had to pump myself back up for a few weeks. I almost backed out of the audition for Chanticleers because I was probably the least confident I’ve been in the last year. I couldn’t find much drive or ambition. It took some strong conversations with the wyf – she could easily tell the wind was out of my sails, and I was getting frustratingly namby-pamby in all discussions about the acting stuff while we were back East for the holidays – to remind me that it’s completely unreasonable to expect to do a great job in EVERY single audition I get. I can’t expect a high-five from the auditors every single time. Which is tough, because who doesn’t love a high-five (aside from Howie Mandel)?
In critical retrospect, I was pretty unprepared & consequently ur-nervous about the Bay One Acts audition. I didn’t rehearse my monologue much because I thought it was a shoe-in. Then, the second half of that audition was a cold read during which I did a HORRIBLE job reading for comedy; I read for drama because I was nervous & didn’t want to risk being not funny. I read their scene with three other people, and feel like I was the only one of the four who looked like a completely uncomfortable body on stage. Now I look back on it and struggle not to shudder remembering how awkward I must have looked. Horrible. Just horrible.
The feedback from the director at Chanticleers was that I spent too much energy trying to memorize lines for the cold read instead of just acting with the script in hand. I didn’t have enough variety in my tone & volume – I got the impression I came across as a dial-tone actor (think Topher Grace or Randy Quaid). Not for nothing, though, it was a difficult reading scenario; I read with the director’s wife, a self-declared non-performer that did a bang-up job of doing nothing but staring at the script and reading the words in front of her. It kind of felt like being on stage by myself, and instead of taking advantage of that & owning the scene, I hung back limply & worried about how to react to someone who isn’t doing anything worth reacting to. Hence, delivering a dial-tone performance. What I learned from it, as I’m sure it won’t be the last time, is that I have to constantly sell myself as the character I’m reading, no matter who or what else is on that stage. That takes confidence, which I can’t afford to lose again.
So, next. I need confidence-building activity. I’ve checked TBA for future audition opportunities & haven’t found much that sounds practical. I’ll check again this week once their staff is back in the office & have updated listings, but I’m leaning towards a class for the first few months of 2010. I’ve picked out three options, all in ACT’s halls: Voice Building for Singers (so that I can stop being scared away by musical auditions), Improv (a safe way to go that’s almost guaranteed to help my confidence), or Audition Technique (to help de-mystify the process a little further & hopefully learn some coping skills for mistakes I make).
Let me be clear: I’m NOT giving up on doing this for a living. Challenges be damned, I still KNOW how great it feels to be on stage & entertaining folks. That’s what I want to do. I want to be awesome at it, so when I’m complete crap in an audition, I question myself. But every actor deals with sucking every once in a while – some get addicted to it (coda to Topher Grace & Randy Quaid). I don’t know exactly what I have to do to get where I’m going, but I have accepted that it will be a process with pitfalls & peaks, like anything else. That’s the whole reason I built this website, actually… to document the process.
So I need to be honest here if nowhere else. Hence the documentary above about two failed auditions. But I’m moving on. I’m gonna high-five myself. After all, high-fives are the glue that hold society together. That’s actually all a clap is – a self-fulfilled high-five. So high-five yourself and clap hands in 2010. Then buy my t-shirt. (Stay tuned.)
Tides Change
I just lost my first role.
Disclaimer: This isn’t meant to be a bitch session. It’s meant to acknowledge the loss of the role, explain the situation (albeit from only my side – but this isn’t “Brian’s Blog AND the other guy’s Blog”), and to capture the lessons for me, and for anyone who’s reading.
The “animated” short film, Drexel, is actually a puppet production, a la Avenue Q. No animation at all as far as I can tell. I went in, auditioned fairly cold – I had read the script a few times but hadn’t made any distinct choices on how to voice the character, I just played the character’s choices in my own voice – and got the part. Then after the first table read, during which I had actually made some choices (probably should’ve just made one and stuck with it rather than contrasting a few different ones but who knows), I asked for the director/producer’s feedback. That’s important – had I not asked for the feedback, I’m sure he wouldn’t have even bothered telling me that he liked my audition read better than he liked the full table read.
So I asked him to give me some character cues & some existing characters that he had in mind, and then asked if he’d read lines with me to make sure I was getting where he wanted me to go. The rest of the dozen or so cast members had already left, apparently fully satisfying whatever expectations the director had of them – again, he offered no constructive feedback unless asked for it. We read lines for about half an hour, with him trying to direct (after the third re-direction, he said “I don’t have much experience directing actors”) me back in to the same voice he thought he’d heard at the audition. Eventually, we got to what I thought was a happy place, and he wished me a bon voyage for our trip to Hawaii. I left thinking I knew what he wanted and that I had gotten the voice 99% of the way there.
Less than 18 hours later, I got an email from him as we landed in Hawaii, saying he needed to go back on his word and offer the Drexel role to another actor.
After three days of ruminating on it, here are my conclusions.
1) It’s for the best. This role would’ve sucked up major sections of my next 7 weekends, and it would’ve been grueling puppet work (which the director didn’t seem to have done before either) under hot lights with multiple takes of every shot. His aggressive schedule had us shooting 12 scenes, one at a time, over several weeks – but I would’ve been in every single one of them. And let’s not forget the complexity that comes from the fact that he’s shooting 12 different scenes in a 21-minute short – ambitious even with the best cast & a really experienced director. None of the shoots included more than 4 characters at a time though, which also meant limited opportunities for the fun that comes from a full production. So while it would’ve been GREAT to have a lead role in any production on my resume, this one probably would’ve been a REALLY challenging one to get done.
2) Not all people are meant to direct. Not for nothing, I don’t think the director of this thing is going to get what he’s expecting to get out of this production. He didn’t have the guts to proactively ask for exactly what he wanted – he waited for me to ask if I was giving him what he wanted, as an example. Then he didn’t have the ability to get me to exactly where he wanted – if he hired me without feeling confident I could do it, shame on him; if he fired me because he couldn’t give me the direction I needed to do it, also shame on him. If you’re putting your own time & money into a production, and asking available actors to donate their time to be in it, you’re setting yourself up for failure if you can’t figure out how to get what you need out of your cast. I’ve had limited experience, for sure, but I’ve never seen someone in charge of a production that didn’t know how to ask for what they needed from their cast & crew. Begs the question of whether or not they actually KNOW what they want, which is their main purpose as a director.
3) Voice work is tough. I was honestly surprised to have been offered the role in the first place, given my serious absence of distinct choices. Then I made some distinct choices after being given the role, and those choices were not liked. Then, I tried to take direction to make the right choices, and either wasn’t getting the right inputs or wasn’t delivering the right outputs. My facial expressions and goofy look didn’t add anything to the character; only my voice mattered, and I didn’t have any confidence in that (and any confidence I inspired in it with others was short-lived, apparently).
4) I prefer to be fired in person or at least on the phone, and not during the first 10 minutes of my island vacation. Sorry, but sending me an email (albeit a nice & apologetic one) that I get on my phone, firing me after Day 1 on the job without even an offer for another chance at it, is not the pinnacle of professionalism. Don’t think it’d happen in any other industry, either. Nor does it offer me any chance to get constructive feedback on how not to screw up next time. Plus, I know a guy (J. Snyder) who I think would actually be a great Drexel & who has a ton of voice experience – but now I don’t even get the chance to give a referral. Sure, I could send an email back to him with that referral, but that’s not something most folks do – voluntarily communicate with the party that just ended the working relationship & offer additional help, even in referral form. (Plus Snyder’s in L.A. these days & is gainfully employed – probably wouldn’t have worked out logistically – but that’s beside the point.) I just think this guy took the conflict-avoider’s path, and it seems like an amateur act.
5.) Tides change. Maybe he thought he knew what he wanted, maybe he didn’t and still doesn’t. Maybe there’s a reason my next 7 weekends just cleared up. There’s probably a reason for not even being offered the chance to try again – I’m definitely a humble actor who willingly seeks out feedback & tries to improve, but that doesn’t seem to matter this time. In any event, I’m not letting this stop the momentum I’ve got going. It’s embarrassing to publicize getting a lead role and then be fired from it, sure. Sometimes the tides just change. But they always change for a reason.
PS – being in Maui, 8 steps from the beach, has definitely helped soften the blow to my blooming actor ego. And so, of course, has my wonderful wife. Now that I’ve written this, I think it’s time for a snorkel. (That may be the only time in my life I get to end a blog entry that way.)
