Apple Apostle – Applostle, If You’re Nasty

R got me an iPhone last week for our second anniversary.

Holy crap.

I should have listened to Dan during all those podcast debates; this thing, on which I am writing this WordPress blog, is F-ING awesome. Seriously. It’s even smart enough to correct for my sausage fingers, which was always my main argument for sticking to Blackberry devices.

Dan was right. Now that I have one, I see how superior it is to any other phone in the world. Not that Blackberry and Android-based phones are horrible… It’s just that this thing is near-perfect.

Why near-perfect? Battery life & lack of a caps lock option come to mind. And I accidentally hit the backspace key way too often because of its proximity to the m key – did so twice just trying to type proximity. I think they should have kept it well away from ALL of the Wheel of Fortune letters (r s t l n e and n’s neighbor m). And what the hell is up with no Spell Check? And no custom dictionary!?! That tastes like Communism.

Small grapes though. In almost all ways, I frikkin’ love this thing for all the myriad reasons you could love a “phone”. And so far I don’t honestly have any gripes with AT&T’s service (aside from the exorbitant cost). Hasn’t dropped any of my calls, and in the places where I want it, the 3G is available. (To save battery, I turn this off a lot, which I wish didn’t take 4 gestures from the home screen to do-simple shortcut code in the next update to the OS would be welcome.)

So now I walk around with access to pretty much every piece of digital media I own, the ability to create content with various apps like WordPress, and can get to new material/media – all in a sleek & consistent format. Blackberry’s formats look simply gross by comparison, mainly due to their more universal/open approach, which is both virtuous & unambitious. There are lots of reasons to stay open & unlocked, but developers are still making far more iPhone apps than are showing up in Blackberry’s app world. In reality, the sex appeal of iPhone apps simply outweighs the ability to code in whatever open languages RIM enables.

It’s official. I’m an Apple apostle. An Applostle, if you’re nasty.

How Would Life Be Different as an IT Analyst?

1. I’d never get to have sex. In real life. With another human being. With another FEMALE human being. With another female human being that still has all her teeth. With another female human being that still has all her teeth and doesn’t have a menu of ‘services’ tattooed on the small of her back.
2. Instead of blogging, I’d play Second Life and World of Warcraft, and instead of referring to them by name, I refer to them as 2L and WOW in order to make myself feel like I’m part of an exclusive club.
3. Instead of improv, I’d make up words with non-sensical alphabets, like n00b, pwnd, w00t, and 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100100 01110101 01101101 01100010.
4. Instead of running, I’d… um… maybe think about trying to join the kickball league but get nervous about spending time around the girl from sales who’s also on the team and has nice knockers.
5. Instead of calling them breasts, I use all other words possible: boobs, tits, jugs, fun bags, chest udders, hooters, sweatermelons, chesticles, gazongas, stare bait, lung bongos, the aformentioned “knockers”, or chest hams. I’d also think these were hilarious. … Ahem.
6. Instead of occasionally wearing one of several humorous t-shirts for a day/night out in the city, I would stay at home and catalog all of the video-game t-shirts I collected (& still haven’t opened) from the free giveaways at the back of Nintendo Power magazines. My favorite would be the Contra t-shirt, but I wouldn’t have to explain why to my friends.
7. Instead of working in a cubicle in an office building at least 10 miles from where I live, I would live AND work in a cubicle I built myself in my cramped apartment building and know all of the free wi-fi spots within 10 miles.
8. Instead of talking thoughtfully about a movie with my friends after seeing it, I would text my fellow nerds during the movie. Each scene I particularly enjoyed would get the same rave: “Best. Plane fight. Ever.” or “Best. Nude male sex scene not starring Heath Ledger. Ever.”
9. Did I mention I’d never have sex?
10. Instead of writing Movie Quote of the Week emails that everyone enjoys reading & that have the potential to be sponsored (!), I would write very long letters to my favorite sci-fi androids (such as C3PO and Data and Vicki from Small Wonder), put them all together in an anthology, post it on Wikipedia as the entry for “robot love”, and then get pissed off at everyone else who tries to edit the facts that I know are accurate and this guy’s just being a d!ck.