Not Just a Hat Rack, My Friend

Last weekend, on the flights home from Choi’s stateside wedding reception, I had the surprisingly pleasant experience of watching ‘PS I Love You’. (SHUT UP. I have already heard every possible joke or insult about being a dude who sometimes enjoys chick flicks, so save your breath – it won’t change anything.)

… puts down his hackles …

Anyway, Hilary Swank loses her husband & basically starts her life all over based on letters her hubby left for her before the tumor got the better of him. One of the new parts of her life is actually being the creative, productive artist she wanted to be, working for herself as a shoe designer. Of course it goes perfectly well and she doesn’t have any problems at all getting the business off the ground… that’s not what the movie’s about, so they sheen over it. But it did get to me… you sometimes need a kick in the pants, mortal or not, to get your sh!t started. Between that part of the movie and our recently accumulated collection of entrepreneurial magazines, my sh!t got started.

I made a list of all the possible sources of revenue that I think would be a) fun to do; b) less than a full time job taken one at a time, but certainly a full day’s work if all of them ran simultaneously; and c) NOT require me to work in a cubicle & use words like ‘go-getter’, ‘the net is…’, and ‘let’s not get lost in the sausage-making.’

Taken piecemeal, NONE of these are fully able to support our current lifestyle (at least I’m not letting myself think that they could). However, if I get a few of them moving, if I stop spending my spare time on ‘non-contributing’ activities (such as making lists of things I’d rather be doing & then not doing them), one or two or three of them COULD actually become substantial, and the sum of their substances COULD, in a few years time, get me close to the bi-weekly payments I currently receive for small parts of my soul.

One of these ideas is blogging (surprise!). You probably ignored them on purpose, but hopefully there were one or two text ads from Google on the banner above my Twitterbox. I am aware that ad revenue requires eyes on pages and, more importantly, clicks to other pages where consumerism takes over… so I figure I need to:
1. Blog more often
2. Blog in a voice that’s my own – not that I use anybody else’s, but I mean a voice that’s distinct… signal, not noise
3a. Consider ‘re-branding’ the blog, or basically just change the name to reiterate the voice I’m using; and
3b. Promote the ever-loving crap out of it without pissing people off. I already link to it at the bottom of every Gmail I send, and it’s often in my GChat status window, and I do update it on Facebook using MirrorBlog… but those are all fairly passive. Once I’m satisfied with my frequency & the voice I’ve created, I’ll probably need to be A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E (whoo!).

The rest of the list is below, with a pittance of exposition on each one.

Idea 2: Create my own Improv group/troupe/trifecta. I seriously love doing what I’ve been doing on the improv tip. I think I’m actually fairly decent at it. I know at least 3 other people who are fairly decent at it but are better at things that I suck at and vice-versa. So I think I’ve got the raw materials, just need to put the product together and get out there with it. Worry about finding a stage & all the business pieces after we test the product out a bit (market research, folks… who says Penn State only teaches you to drink?)

Idea 3: Launch my own t-shirt shoppe, a la Busted Tees. This one’s easy & would take next to no time but might actually produce revenue. If you’ve known me at any point since I got to college, you know I enjoy me some funny t-shirts. Well, I’ve got at least a dozen ideas for new ones that I’ve never seen online or on you, and all it takes is putting some graphics & text together and either a) send it to an online insta-fab shoppe to have them made & sent to me to sell myself; or b) sell the designs/ideas to an already existing shoppe, i.e. Busted Tees or Snorg Tees or whatever. YES, this idea is simple and easy. NO, not everyone can do it, because not everyone is funny, and those that aren’t funny are sometimes also not clever, and those that are neither funny nor clever are also sometimes too lazy to do sh!t like this. You need to be funny, clever, or at least not lazy to make your own t-shirt shoppe. (BTW, I’m bringing back the unnecessary e’s at the ends of words. Kickin’ it Olde Schoole.)

Idea 4: Start a corporate presentation consulting firm. Hear me out. This is not me continuing to sell my soul behind a cubicle, but it IS more focused on dolla-dolla bills y’all. This is a hybrid idea of what I currently do and Idea 2 – basically it would be me teaching other people presentation skills. I went through 4 days of this training with my first company fresh out of school, and I know they a) make mucho dolares, and b) have almost NO capital invested in their business. While I don’t know as many fellow corporate slaves that would be interested in doing Improv-ish type stuff every day, I do know that, at the very least, I rock the presentation scene like whoa. I’ve gotten VERY comfortable in front of crowds, and am most fluid when I’m just talking about general crap… that is, when I’m not trying to justify my decisions or make a numbers-based recommendation. And maybe you’ve never seen a corporate presentation consultant speak, but these guys NEVER have to get into decisions or numbers unless they’re selling their own services. (At this I might suck… but probably not, because I have a 90% chance of never seeing the rejecting people ever again, so what’ve I got to lose? Plus, if I brought R in on this, she could sell girl-on-girl porn to a British nun, so I’d be solid.) AND, even better than getting to ‘sort of’ act or improv all day, I’d have more time & freedom to do the recreational acting or writing stuff after work. All good things, friends, all good things.

So there’s a lot more, but this 20 minute post has turned into about 70 already, and lunch is ready. Guess you’ll just have to come back for more at a later date. Oh, if you happen to be interested in joining me on any of the above forays, you know where my Inbox is.

Happy Saturday, people.

Posted in consulting, hilary swank, ideas, improv, projects, shoppes | No Comments »

Top Fives, or… No, Just Top Fives

Top 5 Reasons I Suck

  1. Of late, I have had the mood swings of a pregnant adolescent teenager on hormone replacement therapy.
  2. While I’m not putting on weight, my eating habits have slowly trended back to ‘The Fat Kid’ eating habits. Example: almost everyday, I go into the free ice-cream bunker at work and pull out a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich, remove the ice cream, and just eat the cookies.
  3. I just spilled pineapple salsa on my jeans.
  4. I use Movie Quote of the Week emails as blog posts.
  5. I use ‘Top Five’ lists as blog posts.

Top 5 Reasons I’m Okay as a Human But I’m No Oprah Winfrey

  1. I drive a Prius… correction: I let my wife drive a Prius on days when she drives the carpool, and I usually take public transportation.
  2. I have somewhat-interesting yet not world-changing hobbies, like Improv and volunteering at 826 Valencia.
  3. Sometimes, but not always, I actually manage to do the right thing.
  4. I empathize and/or sympathize with the best of ‘em, but sometimes to a fault. Example: if I think I’m about to say something that will hurt your feelings but would ultimately make you a better human, I’m most likely not going to say it because I don’t like having my own feelings hurt… and I’m a p**sy.
  5. On the all-telling scale of ‘Take-a-penny Leave-a-penny’, I ‘Leave-a-penny’ more than I ‘Take-a-penny’.

Top 5 Reasons I’m Awesome

  1. God loves me enough to give me the chance to have an awesome wife, and I didn’t blow it.
  2. I instantly calculate tips to the nearest $0.50. Every time.
  3. Growing up in rural Pennsylvania did not manage to close my mind, and instead I used it as a catalyst to get the eff out of Dodge and try to see the world.
  4. [ablated due to sexual content]
  5. I use words like ‘ablated’ in faux-blog posts that are simply three separate lists of five things you may or may not have known about me but probably didn’t care about but at least I made you laugh.

Top 5 Reasons To Vote Republican

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MQotW Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 6

I Finally Outran The Handicapped Cop In The Nitro-Boosted Wheelchair With The Flashing Blue Lights,

Last edition’s quote was:

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

The correct answer is Austin Powers: Goldmember, featuring that oh-so-plucky troupe of Canadians Mike Meyers, Michael Meyers, M. Meyers, and Mike M. The first American feature film to express Canada’s distaste for the crunchy texture of Dutch people, Goldmember sits proudly at the bottom of the Austin Powers franchise. (Not because it’s the worst, but just because it’s lazy & doesn’t like being on top.) In spite of starring a highly comical Michael Caine as Austin’s estranged espionaged efather, this film will not be remembered for its multi-cultural flavor. It included Canadians, Americans, Dutch, Brits, and Oompa Loompas, but will not stand out as a United Nations comedy… no, it will stand out for poop jokes, “member” jokes, and for displaying a previously hidden Dutch penchant for eating dead skin. Ahem. I hate the Academy Awards.

Last edition’s winner was Todd “Mama” Jones. You may remember Mama from his last trip to the kitchen, before which he asked ‘Anybody want anything?’, to which we all responded with a polite ‘No thanks’, which thinly veiled our annoyance at being asked. Like we need someone to rob us of yet another reason to get up from the desk and stretch out the old walkin’ sticks. Before we get too annoyed, though, one thing that we should all understand about Mama: he acts simply out of love. He is not trying to give us an eating disorder (though Conkel seems to be dropping pounds like Latifah on Jenny Craig), nor is he secretly pining to feel wanted, useful, productive in this world of Aspergers-stricken analysts. No, he is simply in love with the idea that maybe, someday, with just the right mix of rainbows and grenadine, someone will want something from the damn kitchen. His prize is one dollop of rainbow; he’s on his own for the grenadine. I’m not made of money. (I’m made of rainbows.)

While not winning second place for a factually correct guess, Jane “Specs” Wong wins an Honorable Mention for being the next person to actually venture a guess that came remotely close to being correct. You’ve seen Jane roaming the halls wearing incredibly fashionable yet understated spectacles; she’s often smiling and, though she’s a tough Brand Finance analyst, she’s rarely stressed. This makes me think those spectacles are somehow enchanted. In fact, rumor has it that Jane’s nearly-rimless-but-too-cool-to-be-totally-rimless power-peepers are capable of delivering tiny doses of lithium into the back of Jane’s earlobes. Hence the smiling, non-stressed out demeanor that is entirely out of place for anyone in Corporate Finance. When asked where she obtained such an amazingly powerful pair of “prosthetics for the eyes”, she simply drooled into a little puddle on the carpet. Well played, Specs. Well played. Her prize is a little Dixie cup to catch her drool & keep it from gumming up the works of her keyboard (which she informed me is her trusty steed, and has named it Green Trident, which also happens to be her favorite gum).

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Northwest Airlines. “We serve granola on every flight. Buy your over-priced, fuel-burning, beer-fart-soaked seat today!” This just in: Delta Airlines has purchased Northwest Airlines. So, I guess…

This issue of MQotW is brought to you by the proud people at Delta Airlines. “We be flyin’ all over this &!*%$. No granola.”

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: He walked into our kitchen and was eating out of our refrigerator. I thought we was gonna eat me but he ate our daughter’s corsage and then ate our goldfish!
2: And where is he now, Mr. Henderson?
1: In the bathroom.
2: Oh, of course, how stupid of me.

Bon Chance!
Guitar Hero is My Hero,
Brian “Red Green Green Green Green Gr-Green Gr-Green Green (pause) Yellow sliiiiiiiiide” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW Director, Producer, Plaintiff-versus-former-Chef-and-Nanny, Heart-throb
“No thank you, I have a mint.”

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Nestle’s Attempt at April Fool’s Humor


Hi Larry!
-Us

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Guess Who’s Sullen?!?

NOTE: started writing this post yesterday, didn’t get to finish it.

Me! That’s right, folks, I’m down right DOWN today. Not really sure why, but I got annoyed pretty much right after physical therapy. Walked back to work, it was about 9:30… and I think what pissed me off was the fact that PT ALWAYS lasts longer than the hour, and I never make it to my desk when I think I will. Plus I have/had a sh!t ton of crap to get done today before 1:30, my head’s all over the place, and I have no idea what my day will look like – and I’m already starting late.

It just gets to me, that’s all… having an expectation for something as short as ONE frikkin’ day, and then having it thrown out the window in the first 3 hours. I know it’s something I’ve got to learn to deal with (‘Display some god-damn adaptability!’), if not because it’ll make life easier but simply because of how much I let it affect my mood. I am SULLEN after a morning like this.

Anyway, it’s been almost a month and at least a few of you have missed me. All I can say in some form of defense for my prolonged neglect is that, what little time I used to have for blogging while at work has been completely usurped by:
1) several large, long projects at work;
2) dealing with the parental divorce;
3) playing Guitar Hero III for the Wii;
4) trying to use words like ‘usurped’.

I’ve neglected Wyltie, Shorty, Seth, Cermak, The Bob, Derek, Priyesh, Charles, Sobotka, Sedaka, Rangini, Meesh, Brugger, Chad, Joe, Dre, Nanney… oh, and all the other family that I didn’t just see down in LA.

But I’m cutting myself some slack, because none of them (with the exception of Yesh & Dre & Meesh & Brugger) have come out to SF to visit. (Brugger even came all the way out TWICE and I never met up, so he gets the gold star.) Yesh almost doesn’t get credit because he came out here for very different reasons (congrats dude)… but at least he made time for us.

We want VISITORS.

Choi’s reception is in 3 weeks, which will be a great occasion & a fun time to catch up with Cermak & Derek, and hopefully the in-laws & parent(s). Everybody else? COME VISIT US DAMMIT!

Flights are actually fairly cheap right now. We have plans over Memorial Day, but NOT July 4th, and NOT Labor Day, and there’s three months in between where we can easily accommodate you. Yes, you.

For all you FLDPs that are going on the cruise… well, I wish you safe travels & I’m sorry we couldn’t be there to join you. Next time. But not unless you come visit. Nyah.

Posted in sullen, VISIT US | No Comments »

I Want Tong Po… Give Me Tong Po!

Alright friends, the update:

1. My injury – torn achilles tendon that re-tears every morning after healing marginally during the night. This creates pain, scar tissue and swelling. Treatment: a lifetime of sleeping in a large “night splint”, which is a nice way of saying “huge uncomfortable foot coffin that at least you only have to sleep in”; three weeks (!) of no training as of last posting, so am already through a week of it; 6-day dose of ‘roids to bring down swelling, which I finally finished today (and which I think is responsible for my near-blackout this morning at the gym); 800mg ibuprofen horse pills for the next 30 days; 3 weeks of Physical Training, to gradually rebuild strength & flexibility; visit to the podiatrist, so I can finally figure out the proper shoe & stretches for my inordinately flat feet & over -pronating biomechanics; and, oh yeah, cross training. Like climbing on a Tony Little gazelle machine is a substitute for running. (If the alternative is sitting around and letting my progress deteriorate while sleeping in, I have a tough battle ahead to maintain motivation. Cross-training sucks ballz compared to the fun that is Running.)

2. My sickness – gone completely. Day and a half of bad congestion combated with Airborne, and then a few more mornings of sore throat, and I was back to full health. Lawsuit or no, that sh!t works.

3. My parents – Mom’s meeting their divorce lawyer on Thurs. Same day my dad’s flying out to LA so he can see some of his Iowa family, my sister and me & Wyf all in one shot. Going to be a weekend full of difficult but necessary conversations, I think. There are things that are going to be uncomfortable to say, but I don’t know if it’s possible to avoid them. (Aspiring conflict-avoider that I am, I’m still weighing out the possibility of not bringing up things like severe depression, hospitals, long-term care options, remarriage, and, ironically, conflict-avoidance behavior.) Really hope it goes well, but I think as long as it does actually go, we’ll all be better off.

4. Everything else – well, I have to say that this morning was one of Capital Tee Those Capital Em Mornings. In a good way. Which is interesting, especially given the above consideration.

For those of you who don’t know what that might look like, some characteristics of good Capital Tee Those Capital Em Mornings:
a. I slept really well last night, stirring only once when the Wyf got up to feed the baby (that was the dream version, in actuality she just went number one.)
2. I went to the gym, causing me to feel simultaneously proud for staying active and insecure for weighing only 168 pounds. (I’m slowly becoming aware that avoiding conflict in any aspect of life only leads to finding it in other “subtle” places like this.)
d. Birds were chirping, making me think of spring & blue skies & all the great weather that is to come in just a few short weeks.
1. I treated myself to coffee & bagel (w/ low-fat ‘shmear’) at that oh-so-lovable Noah’s establishment.
#. Work is going well, I’m producing things and actually feeling like I know what I’m doing, and am asking more questions to make sure I know what I think I know.

By contrast, here’s what bad Capital Tee Those Capital Em Mornings tend to taste like:
a. Slept like crap, sleeping only once for about 45 minutes, during which time I managed to dream that my penis had fallen off and my archnemesis/role model, Ben Stiller, picked it up & started playing chess with it – using it as a pawn, not a king or at least a bishop.
b. Alarm doesn’t go off in time for me to roll my fat lard-ass out of bed & hop-skip to the gym, so I spend several minutes just making sure my package is still in tact, and force myself to dust off the chess set before getting in the shower, where I proceed to get soap in my mouth like a six-year-old.
c. Homeless Guy #37B has taken a crap on the bus right before I get on, but the bus driver refuses to stop to clean it up, and we’re all smelling faintly of the Soup du Shelter by the time we hit the Embarcadero.
d. The boss has already left two voicemails with what are really two-to-four hour requests that need done “as soon as you can get them but hopefully they don’t take long at all, maybe by noon?”, and sent four emails about other subjects to which today was SUPPOSED to be devoted, making me feel like it’s all gotta be done and there’s no way I’ll make it home for the syndicated episodes of Friends (6:30 to 7:30 on Channel 2) that are the highlight of days like these.
@#$*&. The Wyf has called and said she’s “late”, and I pull up Google Maps to try and find her a shortcut around the traffic, and she’s all No no, I’m late, and I’m all, Yeah, I know, just give me two frikkin’ minutes to pull up the map, and she’s all, What, are you gonna search for someone that’d be a better father, lover & husband? Because that’s what I’d need right now, so go ahead, Google that and let me know where he lives, how ’bout that?, and I’m all, Y’know what, go ahead and go… wait… you’re late?

I think you get my point. So when you have one of the good Capital Tee Those Capital Em Mornings (boy I wish I had picked shorter clever nomenclature), you feel just awesome. You totally know what Jean-Claude VanDamme (or ‘VD a l’orange’) felt like in Kickboxer after he beats the second place guy to a pulp & knows he can take on all 7 feet of the column-humping, brother-paralyzing, girlfriend-raping Tong Po. You feel like you could throw one strategically-placed Flying Butt-pliers and he’d tumble like the approval ratings of a Republican incumbent.

What… you didn’t see Kickboxer? Don’t look at me, dude, you’re the cinematic idiot who hasn’t seen fucking Kickboxer. Rent it. Own it. Live it.

Posted in penis chess, Those Mornings, Tong Po, update | No Comments »

Double-U Tee Eff.

WTF.

I’m injured, I’m either just about to get sick or just about to beat a severe cold into remission, our investment portfolio has shed some weight already in these last two months, and my parents are separating after 32 years of marriage.

In spite of possibly being in closer proximity to the threshold of hell than I’ve ever been, it’s not THAT bad. It could be a lot worse. My legs could just stop working tomorrow… one or both of my parents could be dying instead of just moving out of the house… the oatmeal scotchie cookies that R made with 1/3 the required amount of sugar could taste like complete dirt (but they don’t – they’re still delicious)… or the Fed could’ve said all IRAs are now taxable retroactive to the day I started investing in mine in 2004 just to try to ‘stimulate an overly pessimistic consumer mindset’. Those are all things that could suck worse.

Which is not to say things don’t suck as they are… just that I’m programmed to always look on the bright side of life (whistling). So let’s all say it together: “Things could be a lot worse.”

There. Don’t you feel better?

Anyway, I’ve been dealing with all of that, which has sapped my ability/energy to blog. I’m sure I’ll write more about it later, especially as events unfold, but for now I just wanted you to have the update.

Oh, also… had brunch on Sunday with a new couple to whom R’s friend Zameer e-introduced us. They’re very nice, seem to be EXTREMELY excited about San Francisco (they’re less than a month into their potentially life-long Bay Area vacation), and we had a great time. Wouldn’t be a bloggable anecdote if there wasn’t an awkward social situation though: we didn’t quite catch his name. Her name is Indhira. His name came out something like “Lount-wing.” Which is particularly troubling, because even if it’s Ludwig, he doesn’t look anything like a typical Ludwig (no white wigs or waistcoats in sight!), and when was the last time you met anyone named Ludwig without being in an Axis country?? But “Lount-wing”… sounds like a move you’d make from the top turn-buckle or a particular weave of wicker created by a Bavarian Martha Stewart. If you’ve any idea what that name might be, let us know, kay? Running out of ways to avoid calling him by name. Seinfeld’s Delores Clitoris fiasco is only a chance meeting or two away from being re-created.

Posted in bay area, parents, sick, sucking, the separation | 1 Comment »

Automotivator


Check it: be funny. Couple of my samples above.

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MQotW – Work Edition Vol. 1 Issue 5

I Want Change I Can Believe In But Am Scared Of Both Change & Beliefs But Am More Frightened By Women Who Look Like Hillary,

Last edition’s quote was: “(raised voice) Jason, how many times have I told you to pick that damn thing up? (lowers voice sheepishly) A lot, I think. (lowers further) Probably several, maybe.”

The correct answer is Houseguest, starring the late Phil Hartman and the sometimes-even-later Sinbad. This was a film that many missed in the great annals of film history, but includes Phil Hartman as the local Whitest Guy You Know, Sinbad as a fast-money-seeking self-help-video-watching layabout, and a classic case of mistaken identity. Mix in overused stereotypes of corporate families and Italian-American loan sharks, and watch the hilarity effervesce. There’s also a poignant lesson about not using topical Novocain as a hand sanitizer, for those of you looking to teach that adage to your children.

Last editions winner was Absolutely N. O’Body. Mr. O’Body is fictional, as no one from the non-fictional world even ventured a guess. (My wife, however, did attempt to answer via cheating just so she could be made fun of in this particular section of MQotW. I liken this to Britney flashing her crotch at a paparazzo (now coined a “Crotchograph”), as she is just doing it for the attention. Much like I have shunned Britney, I am now officially shunning my wife for this egregious affront to the sanctity of MQotW.) The fictional Mr. O’Body is a fitting recipient for a fictional prize, I suppose.

But instead of awarding him with a satchel of wet “Irish I Were Drunk” beer cozies, I will take this opportunity to reiterate the purpose(s) of MQotW. The purposes of MQotW do not include actually testing anyone’s movie knowledge for the purpose of sport, or conveying any shortcomings of your upbringing simply because you can’t remember all of the Funniest Things That Other People Say. Read: it will not, in fact, hurt you to take a guess or even just participate (‘show some love’) by sending a quick note to yours truly to acknowledge that, in some small way, MQotW serves a higher, ultimate purpose, which is to make you Laugh.

While this is the Over-Arching Philosophy of MQotW, the subset of purposes to serve this Big Kahuna of purposes are:

  1. I need to know that there are nerds out there that have a slight interest in or knowledge of random movie knowledge, the uselessness of which rivals that of the aforementioned Britney.
  2. you need to know that there is more to life than debits, credits, accruals, forecasts, Bat Mitzvahs, Chinese for lunch, and making up email addresses for your guinea pig, and I view MQotW as a slice of life upon which you lot are invariably in desperate need of munching.
  3. sponsorship – I am convinced that MQotW, with its rapier wit, erudite vocabulary, and creative use of social insecurities, is the perfect vehicle through which some company/publication/campaign/chess club can gain unsurpassed notoriety for the low, low price of $10 per Reader per Edition!. (If you happen to represent any one of the things between the slashy thingies, or if you know the proper term for the slashy thingies that have become such a large part of our lives thanks to Al Gore’s internet, please contact me immediately.)

That being said, this issue of MQotW is brought to you by Noah’s Bagels. Bagels Breads Lunch Coffee; Welcome to your Neighborhood Noah’s. If you are looking for a great way to start your morning that does not include uttering any of the following sounds:

venti
grande
mocha
-cino
McMuffin
-ocaine
-leave the money on the dresser
-you think that’s worth $20?
-I paid for the Vaseline

… then your Neighborhood Noah’s has the answer. From pork products wrapped in hastily-baked doughy carbohydrates to bagels covered in a dairy product so questionable that we invented the word ‘Shmear’ to not-so-cleverly cloak its gynecological qualities, there’s an entire plethora of menu options to shove down your gullet and make you feel bad about yourself. Stop by today!

Be the first to guess the title of the movie from whence the below quote was taken, and you will receive a grand fake prize from yours truly. If your correct response is received second, you will receive no prize whatsoever, but will be mocked for your inferior movie knowledge and/or less-than-catlike reflexes.

Please note: The point of MQotW is to acknowledge those with a completely useless mental database of movie knowledge, NOT to reward you for book marking IMDB.com or some other movie site & being able to type quickly; therefore, if you are found guilty of such high treason, you will be summarily dismissed from the distribution list. And I will flame you on MySpace. Research at your own risk.

Because this contest has some timing aspects to it, and to be fair to all my homies, I will distribute the MQotW at noon every Tuesday. Unless I’m busy.

Without further ado, I give you this edition’s…

Movie Quote of the Week

1: “Do you know who I am?”
2: [nods]
1: “Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I’ve killed over the years?”
2: [shrugs]
1: “Look at you, you don’t even have a name tag. You don’t have a chance. Why don’t you just fall down?”
2: [falls down]

Buena Suerte!

I’m So Bad At Sports I Get Confused Between Raider Nation And Guys Who Run Around In KISS Costumes,

Brian “Obama. No, Hillary. Okay, Obama. Wait Which One’s Funnier? Hillary? Naah I Disagree. I’m All Obama All The Way” Hansen
Master Quotidian
MQotW CEO, CMO, COO, CTO, CSI, CNN, CBRadio, CTScan
“Shmear is Deliciously Unforgiving To Your Lower GI Tract!”

Posted in MQotW, sponsorship | 2 Comments »

Events Like These

Last night our friend Mary Schaefer brought us along to a benefit dinner for 826 Valencia:

From their website:

Simply put, 826 Valencia is dedicated to supporting students ages 6 to 18 with their writing skills, and to helping teachers get their students excited about the writing. Our work is based on the understanding that strong writing skills are fundamental to future success and that great leaps in learning can be made when skilled tutors work one-on-one with students.

So, last night we had three hours of sushi, wine, and an unexpected “field trip” experience in which all 70 of us collectively composed a short story. The short story was typed up on-screen as we went, as well as illustrated on the fly courtesy of Lisa Brown, author of Baby Mix Me a Drink and wife of Lemony Snicket (Dan Handler). We all left with a bound book, a decent wine buzz, and feeling like we had contributed to an important, nay.. VITAL .. community organization.

I, however, left with a serious jones to be a Volunteer Leader within this organization, joining the ranks of Jory John (website, which is funny but not about him) as a Field Trip leader. Jory & his leaders basically do the highly-improvisational work of leading a classroom full of kids through the highly-improvisational process of highly-improvisational story creation. The work is improv because he can’t possibly plan how things will end up, the process is improv because each class will go about it differently, and the story is improv because, well, they’re making it up. You can tell that he really loves what he does and that it’s highly rewarding for him. I’d love to take some of the burden off his shoulders. 826 has like 1,600 volunteers on its rosters in the Bay Area, but only six.. SIX… of them share the Field Trip leader responsibilities with Jory. I’m hoping to be lucky number seven.

Now, most of you don’t live where 826 Valencia makes a difference… but you probably do live damn close to one of the other 826s.

826NYC
826LA
826Chicago
826Seattle
826Michigan
826Boston

If you’re at ALL intrigued by the concept of empowering our future through the thoughtful donation of time & resources to help children/students write sentences better than this one, I urge you to investigate this organization. It was founded by Deggers, one of my favorite authors, and has been helping students around the country based solely on support of donors (of both money AND time). It’s an AWESOME endeavor, and I really can’t wait to play a bigger role in it.

Now it’s just the issue of figuring out how to sell the boss (& her boss) on me taking 3 hours every other week to lead a Field Trip. If anyone is an expert at getting a small-to-medium corporation to release you from business needs for volunteering opportunities that aren’t organized by same corporation, please let me know. Jory has offered to write a very nice letter to those who need to approve my departure, but I’m still nervous – any tips/tricks would be helpful. (I would’ve been happy just participating in the company’s Junior Achievement program, but they totally dissed me – I signed up to volunteer and haven’t heard diddly-squat back – so now I’ve got 826 as my avenue to give something back.)

Anyway, back to work. The pressure’s eased a bit, hence the blogging over an actual lunch period, but I still have crap to do.

Posted in 826, giving back, improv, new goals, sf | No Comments »

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